Moon Daughter Commentary
by SilverZero1014
Summary: When I read horrible writer and possible troll xxMoonlitexx's horrible story and possible Trollfic Moon Daughter, a buch of witty and sarcastic comments immediately sprung to my mind. These are the comments that I thought of, in story form. I DO NOT OWN THIS EXCUSE OF A FIC, JUST MY COMMENTS.
1. Flavia creates plotholes

**Hi there it's Silver here and I recently read a story by xxMoonlitexx called moon daughter, and it was so bad, I decided to do a commentary on it. I am going to add comments in bold throughout the story, so if you see something in bold, that is my comment. Anyways, I. hope you enjoy!**

**Bold – My comments**

**_Bold Italics - Sarcasm_**

Chapter 1 – Where I get claimed

My gray eyes satred back at me from the fountain, sad like the end of a summer storm. Luke was dead….Percy Jackson killed him last year in Olympus. **Actually, Luke technically commited suicide** I groned as I sat up in bed. I had a dream last night where I was claimed. I didn't know my parents ever, I was an orphan on the Streets of NYC city until a family on a farm took me in, but soon I was bullied by their daughter Brittany. with four diffrent coach Purses and bitchy blond hair **How can hair be bitchy?**. She called me a freak because I had sliver eyes, black hair I cut by myslef so it was uneven and wore the same lether jacket everyday. **Didn't it get dirty?** One day I had enough so I ran away only to find my way to Kronos's Army…..and Luke. I was a deimgod!

I knew I claimed today, because demigod dreams are like that, were not like normal people. I smiled to myself because I hated cabin number 11. The other demigods were mean and bullied me because I wasn't claimed **half of cabin 11 isn't claimed**, also they always talked about how evil monsters were, but Luke and I knew better because the monsters in the army weren't evil, they were actually misjudged because they worked for Kronos **Oh, I'm not evil, I just work for the bad guy** but many had good hearts, a draceema saved my life once from an evil rappist **I can relate. I much prefer metal music to rap music.** when I was in the streets.

"Hey Flavia, you talking to your monster friends," Laughed Annabeth, Percy's slutty girlfreind. She is blond and a Bitch, and from Athena, who are all like that. **Actually, children of Athena are smart. **She used have a crush on Luke, but she never had a chance…..Luke told me himself the only one love was me. Before he died. **_No, he told you after he was dead._**

My eyes blazed wrathly, I knew she meant my BFF Ivy the Dryad **Dryads aren't monsters!**. Ivy was bullied by the other deimgods because she is a Dryad and they hate Dryads because they are **monsters Again, dryads aren't monsters!**. "Eff off! My god parent is powerful to defend Ivy, she has no friends! **I thought Annabeth hated Ivy, so why is she saying her godly parent is defending Ivy?**" Annabeth sneered, "You have no god parent! Your not claimed and nobody will claim you ever!" she put the haedphones back on, listening to 1 D like a slut** How do you listen like a slut?**.

I could feel a tear went down my face as Annabeth went away. Ivy came out from behind cabin 11 and I could see she was crying. "You heard her?!" I said. Ivy was crying chloryful **chlorophyll** which looked like normal crying but green, because she was a Dryad (Because Dyrads are from trees which have chloryful **chlorophyll. Also, that would be like humans crying protein because they have it in their body.**.)

"Oh Flavia, its not fair, you will be claimed I know it," She hugged me and I felt better. I wiped the tears off my face and looked in the fountain where we were sitting, by cabin 11. Now my jet black hair with a wave at the back of the neck has a white streak that was from depression when Britany bullied me, but I think it looks nice so I kept it **How do you keep that? Did you dye it, or did you intentionally be depressed so you could have it.**. I have silver gray eyes which is why Luke called me Moonlite. I wiped away another tear when I thought this, it hurt so much to think of him killed after all we'd been threw together. But the moon reminded me "What if I am a daughter of the moon Goddess? _Artmeis"_

Ivy shook her head, "Artemis is a virgin, that means she cant have kids, like ever." Artemis is my fav Goddess, she looks kind of like me but her hair is Ginger and she has a silver bow and arrows. I saw her once with all these girls that follow her and also have silver bows and arrows, but that's not the same as being her daughter which in my heart I wished I was. But wishes dont come true, I knew young this world was not a fairy tale field. Lies and danger are like dark clouds above us especially if your a demigod like I was.

We walked over by some demigods practising with swords and axes and mace, and I took out my bow and made a prefect Bull's eye in the target. Annabeth flipped me off because she is jealous I am the only deimgod in Camp who uses a bow and arrows **Besides, I don't know, the ENTIRE APOLLO CABIN?**. "Annabeht!" Yelled the center stood nearby.

He is Chrion, the leader of camp Half Blood, a center half horse and half Man. He is 17 (look I know he is old in the book but this is my story so don't flame) and his long dark hair **Seriously?** whiped in the wind above his chest. He looked sad because Kronos was his father before he was killed into Tartarus **Actually, Chiron hated Kronos and was happy when he died **, and Chiron was all depressed about it, and he spent all his time in the big House by himself. Only now he come out looking wraithful.

"afti enai ena trantagma! **This is a jolt?**" Yelled Annabeth, exept in greek **so what language was it? **because she wants to look smarter, but it was a lie, I wasn't a jerk…she was!

"Why are you always causing troulbe when we practise Annabeth?" Chiron said with his mighty center **I didn't know Chiron's eyes were on the center of his head **eyes flashing, "you are jealous, and because Percy is your bf you think we will let you do whatever you want is that it?" But Ivy gasped and pointed at my head, "Look Chrion!" suddenly everyone looked at me, even Annabeth and they all kneeled!

I raised by hand to flip them off **_Because that's what you do when people kneel to you_** but then I looked up and saw shining like a thoughsand moonbeams, a silver Stag on my head, also silver Hounds and a Bow and Arrows and a thin curvy moon which was silver **I don't think that's Artemis's symbol**. It was so beautiful I cried! also because I knew what it meant…I was claimed, by Artemis! I stood in aw as the other demigods covered up there eyes because it was too bright!

"This cannot be" Said Chiron, "Artmeis is a virgin!"

"Well now she is not," Said Ivy.

**LOL! I hope you liked it! Anyways, please review!**

**SilverZero1014, **

**Over and Out.**


	2. My sanity has been Exiled

**Hai its Silver here and I am commentating on another chapter of Moon Daughter by xxMoonlitexx. Anyways, Didi, I took inspiration from Sage Nicholson so plz don't be mad at me! Anyways, let's get on with the spork!**

Chaper 2….Exiled!

Right away Chiron took me to the Big House. "We must speak," He said, "wait here." I sat in a chair by a table, it was cold inside the Big House compraed to outside. I could see lepard heads on the wall, witch **Oh, no! Flavia has been cursed by a witch!** made me angry because I love leopards….they are my fav animal (also tigers, otters, and snow lepards **I believe that falls in the leopard category**.) I heard a noise from the other room so I went there quiet as a lepard and I could see Grover a satyr! He speak to himself, in a low clear voice "The demigods hate me, they think I don't notice but I heard one of them call me…..a monster! And monsters must Die! **Wait, but satyrs are well respected at camp. Also, if they hate you, then why did they choose you for a quest?**" There was something in his hands he was moving slowly at himself, the light from the window glinted it shiny golden cup with ruby on the sides. I knew it was _satyr poisen! __**What difference is there between satyr poisen and regular poison?**_

"No, stop," I said. "Don't listen to Annabeth, she is Raicest! **So satyrs are a race now.**" But it was too late, he was dead! And Chiron was there! "Flavia Knight, what have you done to this satyr? Telll me the truth and you will suffer. **_Because that's a great reason to tell me the truth_**"

My heart sank deeply. I knew what he thought I killed Grover!

Chiron raised his voice, "I knew this would happen if Artmeis had a child, didn't you read the prophacy, you bastard?!"

"What prophacy?!" "The one the oracle said! _A daughter of Artemis will be a scurge to our camp, a poisened snake, with Artemis's mark, she is stamped!_ It is a mystery **the meaning seems pretty clear to me** but now I know it means you must leave camp Half Blood before more people die!"

"Don't exile me, Im innocent!" I yelled. Camp Half Blood was my home, it stung in my heart to think I'd never see it again. My gray eyes flashed, "You can't do this!"

"Artemis mark!" He pointed, "It is YOUR EYES!"

"What are they too beatiful for you! **BURN!**" I yelled because I was angry now, he was so hot***facepalm*** but so stupid too! "I will seek out Artemis and the hunters, your camp is Raicest anyway!" I staked from the room with my bow and arrow to pack!

The other demigods sneered as I truged back to cabin 11 **I thought she was claimed?**. Annabeth, who got transfer to the goddess Love cabin now **Uh, You can't do that** (I know her name is Apherdeti but theres no way in hell Im spelling that), led them all to chase me away, only Ivy stood for me.

I packed by bow and arrows and my ipod (ipods work in camp here, this is my story ok?) and two pairs of gray skinny jeans and one pair of black skinny jeans with gray around the edges and a white and silver jacket, and a lether belt for my hunting knife. I put on only a little eyeshadow & eyeliner because I'm not a slut **And that's how you tell who is and who isn't a slut**. Then I put on my boots and went to see Ivy Good bye.

"But you need three for a quest **What quest**!" Said Ivy, "its the Law!"

"Yeah like three people like me, they're all bitches and sluts here anyway" I laughed. But then I stopped laughing. A shadow figure stepped from the shadows, "I will go **Nonexistent **quest with Flavia!" I gasped…Nico Da Angelo! Nico was 17 and pale as the Dead. He had black hair down to his shoulders and abs like chizzled smoke (I could see them because his jacket was ripped in front from a Monster claws.) He was wearing black skinny jeans and a necklace with a silver skull skeleton…my color! But I was sad, because he remembered me of Luke.

"Wtf, Nico! This is my quest! **I thought you were just trying to get people to go on your nonexistent quest**" I took out my hunting dagger Agamemnon **Remember this, the name keeps changing. **and pointed at him. Nico laughed and said "I know something about Percy Jackson you don't!"

"I hate Percy, he sux cause he killed Luke," I girtted my teeth.

"Yeah well I saw him kissing your little Green friend!"

My heart stopped in my mouth, "OMG he is cheating on Annabeth! And she deserves it" But then I remembered…..Ivy was cheating **Ivy has a boyfriend?** with my emeny! Tears sprung from my eyes making my eyeshadow all streak on my face. "Ivy you hore, you betrayed me! **How dare you date whoever you want!**"

"Its not like that!" Ivy began to cry, "anyway he said he hated Annabeth! Also he said he wish he didn't kill Luke but he had no choice!"

"I have no choice ether **Yes, you do**" I growled like a lepard of Artemis as I drew Agamemom **I thought it was Agememnon**, "You don't know the meaning of loyalty, say hi to Hades for me, bitch **you killed your best friend for dating someone. **!" I threw the knife imbedding it in her tree. With a noisy scream Ivy shrivled away to green dust, blown away on the wind. She was a False friend….my heart broke and I knew that day as I celaned the chorolfyl from my blade I was _borned to be a killer. __**Yes, you were**_

I could see the impressment in Nico's soleful eyes. "You handled that well Flaiva, **She did?** but now we need Another, for the quest!"

"Shut up stutle **That's not a greek word**!" I yelled in greek because the trees were russling and I could see green light flashing by them, I got Agamemnon ready for to attack. Nico got out his sytgian iron sword which glowed darkly **Oxymoron** and he got ready too standing with his back facing my back, so, the enemy couldn't attack us in the back.

I thought what if it was a monster coming, maybe one I fought with when I was with Luke but remembering what I killed Ivy I stealed my teeth…a daughter of Artmeis couldn't shrink from the kill **how can you shrink from killing someone?**. I was a hunteress and I knew what that meant. The bushes parted and a shape stood there with the glow from Nico's sword shining on his face so we could see him.

"Who are you, why did you sneak up on us you bastard?!" Growled Nico. The guy who came garled at Nico and I could see under his dark eye brows he had mysteryous eyes that I knew were of magic, "Stop!" I said Nico, "He is a Son of Hecate!" The guy blinked cause he was surprised, "How did you know?"

"Hecate evil, she sided with Kronos!" Yelled Nico.

I almost dropped Agamemnon from my hand in shock, I couldn't believe Nivo talked this way. "I sided with Kronos, its only because Luke's dead I came to your stupid Camp!" The stranger looked at me hotly **how do you look at someone hotly?**, I knew he agreed. "But now Kronis is dead anyway, so why does it matter?"

The Hecate guy was had brown hair in a ponytail and he had no shirt and he had green magic Runes on his ripped up pants which were black like his boots. "Whats your name?" I asked shyly. "Alblaster Toringtan," He said. "I'm 16." I saw he had a locket with a magic sign like a triangle **Illuminati confirmed!** and it was silver!

Nico and Albaster glared at eachother but I stepped in the middle and said, "Look guys, now we have three for our quest if Albaster stays!" I knew he would stay because I could tell he was in love with me, I could tell from the way he looked at me. I also knew Nico was jealous which made me sad. But I couldn't love them, I remembered of Luke too much.

"Where are we quest?" Asked Albaster. Nico explained, "She is looking for Artmeis, magic-idiot witch boy **I am going to file that in my dumb-insults-that-are-actually-kinda-insulting folder along with "Horny Simpletons" (My immortal)**"

"I know where Artemis is! Hecate visits her all the time!" Albaster brighted up. "They do ritchuals for the moon at midnight."

"R you kidding?" I said, "Show me where right now!" Just then a lot of hell hounds and Nemaen lions **there is only one Nemean lion** sprung from the bushes with…a monitar **Oh no! a computer screen is attacking you**!

"Run Flavia!" Yelled Nico but I took my bow and arrow and shot an arrow right in the monitar's eye **What did that computer screen ever do to you?**, when he exploded in dust leaving only his horns! Alblaster did magic and a hell hound was killed with green flashes. A Nemean loin **EW!** cut at Nico and his shirt splitting in half **I thought it was already ripped**, but he took the iron sword and stabbed it! We killed the rest of the monsters and soon they were all dust.

"Your a good fighter." Nico said to Albaster even though he hated him. "I'll make a fire for the night," I said, and I took Agamenmom to cut up some wood, but Albaster made a magic fire that was real exept it was pale green and glowed in the dark like a bacon **Bacon glows in the dark? I didn't know that!**. We sat down next to it and Nico looked really hot with the pale glow on his face, I kind of wanted to make out with him **a natural reaction towards someone you barely know**, but he fell asleep and I did too, but Alblaster stayed up so he could stand guard in case more monsters came. I slept all night with love in my heart exept I didn't know who…!And who was Albaster EVIL **I thought his last name was toringtan**?!

**XD! I hope you enjoyed this spork! This fic truly is terrible, but I hope I made it better! Anyways, please review!**

**SilverZero1014,**

**Over and Out**


	3. I must learnt present tense

**Hi it's Silver here and here is another chapter of Moon daughter commentary. I took down the SMALM commentary because XxWiltingrosesxx complained. Anyways, here is the chapter.**

Chapter Three…..I Must Chose

When I woke up Albaster was doing magic that made breakfast, he and Nico ate it but I wasn't hungry so I didn't. Instead I shot a deer dead that was standing there** For no reason? Flavia, you sicko**, because I had to practise being a hunetress **It's not target practice if you shoot something two feet away that's standing still**! Then I went behind a tree and put on my black skinny jeans, a black tee shirt with silver stripes like a tigers, my jacket (the zippar was silver)** No one cares** and also a little eyeliner **She's not a slut because she only put on a little**. Then I said to Nico "Hey, are you gonna take all day or what, we need to find Artemis!" He looked at me, I could tell he was thought I was hot because he saw me shoot the deer with a perfect Bull's etye **the deer had a target on it?**, so I took out my bow flirtly and shoot a squirl **you "flirtly" shot an animal. How do you do that?**. We ate the squirl and the deer in the fire, Albaster was jealous in his eyes **why?**.

I took my ipod and we listened to some and I danced but my eyes glowed silver because I was from Artemis **_Because that's one of Artemis' powers_**. Then suddenly I stopped I looked right in Nico's eyes were dark as night skies and he looked in mine and I felt like my heart melted, then he took out his finger and raised my chin up, I thought OMG are we gonna kiss!

"Shut up!" I said, suddenly because I had a demigod Vison! I see Artmeis and she was yelling angry "Flavia! What ar eyou doing? Your from Artemis, you can't date ever, it's the Law! You wont be Immortal and live forever if you brake the VOWS!Will you pick to living FOREVER or this patetic loser deimgod Nivo! **BURN**"

"Flaiva, whats wrong?" Nico was conserned, he was gonna kiss my lips but I said, "No Artemis said I'm a hunteress means I can't be in love! Also no sex" I swore at Artemis but the Vison dispearsed. Then I started crying, Alblaster put his hand on my back but I said, "Don't touch me Al-bastard!" to him. (Geddit?) **And she says she doesn't steal from My Immortal** I was so confussed.

"Im sorry your exiled," Said Alblaster, he letted go of me sensetively.

"Camp sux anyway!" I said. "Everybody worshups Percy and Annbeth, the other demigods are mean, Chrion is kind of cute ***Facepalm* **but mistguided, and Mr.D looks at kid pr0n in the Big house **Wtf?**."

"It'll be better for you to be with Artemis!" Said Nico. "And be a hunteress."

"Lets make a Sacrafice to Artmeis," Announced Albaster, "Maybe she won't be so angry then."

A bush russeled, I shot an arrow into the heart off it…..it was a satyr! Nico cut it up with his sword and we put him on a big cooking grill **even though it was an innocent creature that was randomly attaced by three sociopathic demigods**, Albaster did magic and fire burned it and he was sacraficed. "Hale Artmeis!" We chanted twelve times and wait for a sign. Suddenly Artemis appread misty like a Ghost.

"I exept your gift" She said, "It is sweet in my ears **and now "Artmeis" is a sociopath too**. But still not date, Flavia. Unless you want to not live forever immortal, and be a virgin goddess like me! You must chose!"

"Im only 14!" I shouted loudly.

"You may make your chose at the end of your quest when you find me," Artemis said wisely. She misted away.

"Where are you?!" I yelled. But she was misted away. I sat down and ate some amberosa. **Rather anticlimactic, don't you think?**

**SilverZero1014, **

**Over and Out**


End file.
